I am a person who thinks we all should know that your and you’re are two different words. And that their, there, and they’re are three different words! And I’m a person who will judge you if you can’t correctly use these words. But it doesn’t matter where you go in this country, you will always find people who cannot grasp the difference or who say “her and I” and act as though they sound smart.
However, on the Upper East Side there is a whole new assault on the English language taking place- an Upper East Side dictionary if you will. This was a foreign language to me until I crossed 14th Street and then I was unsure if I was simply on 79th Street or if I had somehow space traveled across the country to the Valley with the interjection of “oh my god” or “Oh.Em.Gee.” or “like, like, like” in between every other word. And then add in the up-down-up-down roller coaster cadence and you need to whip out your iPhone and install the sorority translation app.
Aside from these aforementioned means of communicating there is a slew of shortened words that an Upper East Sider uses, whether it be due to sheer laziness, downright stupidity, or some fratty club I was not invited (thank you Jesus) to be a part of. Here are some of said words:
ohmagod PERF= perfect
oh ya, TOTES= totally (Sometimes you will hear “totes McGotes.” I don’t even know….)
And then are words that are just completely fabricated. One such word is CLUTCH. No, not a clutch hitter and no, not a small evening purse. Apparently this means “cool,” as in, “oh my god, these new Tory Burch flats are SO clutch!”
Get a group of UES girls together who are speaking this language and forget it, you might as well be on a cockatoo farm. So, when I hear you say, “Oh my god, like, this dress is totes perf for the Hamptons, you should like def wear it,” I will be vomiting in my mouth and dying a slow death right along with Merriam Webster.